How Co-regulation with Parents Nurtures Self-Regulation in Children
Are you struggling to teach your baby to self-soothe? Do you spend hours online searching for strategies, methods, and techniques that promise to help your baby achieve self-soothing and independent sleep in a certain amount of days or weeks? Are your family, friends, or even your doctor telling you to leave your baby to cry or “let them figure it out”, because if you help them too much, you are reinforcing “bad habits”?
Do your own parental instincts to respond to your baby’s cries conflict with the way everyone else says things are “supposed” to be done?
There is actually a scientific explanation for this. *Spoiler alert* - your instincts are right.
The Myth of Infant Self-Soothing
As a responsive and scientifically-focused Sleep Coach, it is important for me to help parents sort through the abundance of advice and information to better separate fact from opinion, based on the evidence. Let me tell you, there are a lot of opinions out there, and most of them are not based on actual scientific evidence.
Parents are often shocked to discover that ‘teaching a baby to self-soothe’ is not supported by scientific evidence, neurological research, or normal infant development. [Yeah. Mind blow.]
The wide-spread myth of infant self-soothing is sadly perpetuated by lack of support for new parents and the ever-looming demand to return back to work as soon as possible after birth; causing parents to feel pressured into teaching their babies to be “independent”.
This topic can often spark intense debate in parenting circles and equally among sleep professionals as well. But, when we take a moment to compare the brain of a baby to the brain of an adult that is capable of self-soothing, there is no question; the evidence is clear.
The Brain Says It All
Here, on the left, is the brain of an adult, fully capable of emotional self-regulation. On the right, is the brain of an infant. It is only 1/4 the size of an adult brain, and you’ll notice, that a very critical part of the brain has not yet developed.
This critical and underdeveloped part of the brain is called the Neocortex. It is entirely focused on critical thinking, and is home to the brain’s CEO - the Prefrontal Cortex. The Prefrontal Cortex begins developing in the toddler years and is responsible for all things self-regulation: impulse control, logic, planning, reasoning, short term memory, and language.
Self-regulation refers to a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and calm themselves down in stressful situations without relying on external sources of support. Due to a baby’s extremely underdeveloped Prefrontal Cortex, they have very limited ways of achieving this on their own.
Instead, their brain is evolutionally hardwired to do two key things: detect a need/stressor/or threat and, in response, call out for parental support. We call this parental support co-regulation.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation happens when a parent or carer responds to their baby's cues and needs, soothing them when they are upset, providing comfort and reassurance, and helping their baby to regulate their emotions and behaviors.
A nurturing and responsive environment provides opportunity for babies and toddlers to have many co-regulation experiences with their parent. This helps a child’s mind create calming connections and provides the literal brain-building blocks that help a child learn to self-regulate over time.
How You Can Practice Co-Regulation
A parent’s own self-regulation is a critical part of co-regulation. As adults, our babies and toddlers are relying on us to model helpful coping skills and emotional regulation, so that they can learn how to navigate themselves and the world. This can understandably feel difficult when you yourself are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or emotionally tapped-out.
Remember that even in a loud, chaotic, or stressful situation, it is okay to slow down before you respond. Take a moment to reset and calm your own nervous system taking slow deep breaths, hug yourself, splash some cold water on your face, and use positive self-talk. I promise, you will be much more capable of helping your child regulate after you’ve regulated your own mind and body.
When you do respond, approach with observation and genuine curiosity. Ask yourself:
“What is my child trying to communicate to me?”
“What is my child telling me they feel right now?”
“What is my child telling me they need right now?”
Taking this important moment to attune to your child’s cues and body language, will help you to better understand them and meet their needs more fully. Importantly, it will also help the two of you two build a deep sense of trust, security, connection, and love. These are the building blocks of creating a secure attachment and, ultimately, the pathway to teaching your child to “self-soothe” when their brains and bodies are developmentally ready for it.
To The Parents Questioning Themselves Today
If your gut is telling you to ignore the noise of the internet, family, friends, and others telling you to leave your child to cry so that they can “self-soothe” — listen to it. That gut feeling is there for a reason. It’s biological. Never allow yourself to feel bad for responding to your child’s needs in the moment. Don’t allow yourself to feel judged for parenting in a way that feels right for your family and your child. You know your child better than anyone.
The next time you find yourself questioning whether you’re “creating bad habits” by contact napping, rocking your child in the night, breastfeeding them to sleep, or simply holding them while they share their big feelings — just tell yourself:
“This is my story, my parenting journey and this is my child. It is okay to listen to my child and meet their needs. I am not creating bad habits. Each time I help them co-regulate, I am laying the foundation for self-regulation.”
“You can never give a human infant too much love or connection.”
Summary
‘Self-soothing’ refers to a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and calm themselves down in stressful situations without relying on external sources of support.
Babies have very primitive abilities to self-soothe, because they have an under-developed Prefrontal Cortex which is needed for self-regulation.
Babies and young toddlers rely on parents and carers to co-regulate and move from a stress state to a state of calm.
Parents can help their children co-regulate by attuning to and responding to their baby's cues and needs, soothing them when they are upset, providing comfort and reassurance, and helping their baby to regulate their emotions and behaviors.
It is important for parents to first self-regulate their own bodies and minds to effectively help their children to co-regulate.
Attuning to your child’s cues and body language will help you to better understand them and more fully meet their needs.
Attunement and responsiveness build trust, security, connection, and love between a child and parent.
Babies and toddlers ultimately learn to self-regulate through being raised in a responsive and nurturing environment, and having many co-regulation experiences with their caregiver.
Is your family in need of Sleep Coaching support and guidance? Contact me here to schedule a Discovery Call!
References
Feldman R. Infant-Mother and Infant-Father Synchrony: The Coregulation of Positive Arousal. Infant Mental Health Journal. Published online January 2033: 1-23 https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.10041
Fogel A, Garvey A. Alive communication. Infant Behavior and Development. Published online May 2007: 251-257 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2007.02.007
Tronick EZ. Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist. Published online 1989:112-119 https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0003-066X.44.2.112
Brumariu LE. Parent-Child Attachment and Emotion Regulation. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. Published online June 2015: 31-45 http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/cad.20098
Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. Attachment Orientations and Emotion Regulation. Current Opinion in Psychology. Published online February 2019: 6-10 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.006
Eisenberg N, Cumberland A, Spinrad TL. Parental Socialization of Emotion. Psychological Inquiry. Published online October 1998: 241-273 https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli0904_1
